I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Literally. All I do is sleep and take medication. Maybe I need to take up yoga and vegetarianism. Except for bacon. Never forsake the bacon.
Isn't there a song about looking for love in all the wrong places? Why haven't the Mac people invented a boombox that attaches to your head and blasts your theme song everywhere you go? (Those two thoughts do coincide)
Where did all my creative energy go? Into Facebook and other bullshit? I miss loving my long nights of solitude. Although, I never really loved them. I hated them more than anything.
The idea of having someone is much more comforting than the effort of keeping them happy. SO pessimistic, but honest.
Have I really resorted to online dating at the age of 21? What has happened to our society that this is acceptable? Why have my friends let me do this without question?
Sunburns remind me of why I hate summer, the south, and outdoors. And none of my shorts fit this year. Guess the freshman 15 skipped a couple of years.
I still wear this ring that symbolizes a promise I made at 16, and I only kept it for two years, but this ring has never left my hand for more than a day. What am I holding onto? The life I'm leaving behind but don't want to lose? My innocence, which was never meant to last? I like to believe that it's because of the only real love I felt from anyone in my life. My dad has always been the one person who has been there for me, no matter what I've lied to him about or avoided telling him. He knows, deep down, that I haven't always been honest and that I'm not the person he wanted me to be, but he doesn't care. I guess I just want to find one other person like that in the world.
I guess it's true what they say. Girls fall for their fathers.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Home is Wherever I'm with You
I want someone to love me, but not because they desire to love. I want to fill a hole in someone's heart, and not because the hole needs filling. Because I'm the piece that fits.
I see myself with someone who is like a worn sweater. Comfortable and just the right warmth, classically styled, and smells like Home. You can always go without that sweater, to a party or out on the town, but when you come home, it's the first thing you grab and the only thing that makes you feel truly comfortable outside of your own skin.
Maybe the key is to be comfortable with my own skin. You always find that perfect sweater when you don't really need it, right? But once you find it, you know, and you never let go. Your skin, you're stuck with it, and you have to come to terms with who you are. Changing yourself does no good. You always end up back with the same issues and fears you started with.
That's why I need that perfect fit. Someone to pick me up one day and, whether they know it or not, find that feeling of warmth and home that everyone truly wants.
Because, in the end, isn't all we ever want a true Home to come home too?
I see myself with someone who is like a worn sweater. Comfortable and just the right warmth, classically styled, and smells like Home. You can always go without that sweater, to a party or out on the town, but when you come home, it's the first thing you grab and the only thing that makes you feel truly comfortable outside of your own skin.
Maybe the key is to be comfortable with my own skin. You always find that perfect sweater when you don't really need it, right? But once you find it, you know, and you never let go. Your skin, you're stuck with it, and you have to come to terms with who you are. Changing yourself does no good. You always end up back with the same issues and fears you started with.
That's why I need that perfect fit. Someone to pick me up one day and, whether they know it or not, find that feeling of warmth and home that everyone truly wants.
Because, in the end, isn't all we ever want a true Home to come home too?
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Living in Hostility
Most people have a friend or two that they've known for most of their life, or least it feels that way. Those friends that you will always get along with, no matter how long you spend apart, those that know every detail about you. I have a few of these friends, and I live with one of them now. Actually, two of them. I moved into this apartment with Brittany last August. I've known her since we were probably 13 years old. My other room mate is TJ. I met TJ while working at Goodwill here in Madison, and we became best buddies. He is the male version of me, but more childish. I pushed for Brittany and TJ to start dating, because I knew they would love each other. Now, I think I might regret this. TJ moved in with us less than a month after they started dating. At first, it was like a big slumber party every night. We were the happiest little family around, but as time went by, things got tense. I am messy and kind of a hoarder with about 8 projects going on at any given time. Brittany is anal and hates when things sit out on surfaces. Obviously, we clash. TJ is more like me, with games and projects always going on, but not all of his stuff is here. In the past month, things have gotten worse than they ever have been here. I rarely see Brittany any more because she is always in her room doing homework. I rarely see TJ anymore because Brittany wants him to be by her while she does homework; if he isn't, she will whine until he comes by her. Not only are they in their room because of homework, but they both feel that the living room is not theirs because it is mostly my stuff. Now that just pisses me off. When we moved here, Brittany asked me to wait to put up all of my art and decorations so she could put up hers as well. I waited for a month before I put everything up. Brittany put everything she wanted out in the living room, including lamps, art, a chair, and an entire bookshelf of all of her nick-knacks. So, because I have more decorations than her and most of the furniture is mine, that makes the living area uncomfortable? I just don't understand. It's not like the stuff I own is exclusively mine. It's all to share, as long as nothing gets broken. Another reason they do not spend time in the living room is because of my mess. I don't see it as mess, even though I know it is very cluttered, but we have three people living in a tiny, two-bedroom apartment. It's bound to have clutter, and not all of it mine. For example, TJ has three guitars and an entire box of video games in the living room. Brittany has expressed how much my messes bother her, and I try to clean them. I feel that I have improved a lot from when we moved in here, but she doesn't see it.
About a month ago, Brittany and TJ came home and said we needed to talk. "I can't live with you in the fall if things stay the way they are now," is what she said. "I don't want our friendship to get ruined because of this." I completely understood her, and knew it was coming. I dreamed about it earlier that month and had already been looking into other options for the fall. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no real warning, and I was on my own. I went on Craigslist, and everything was beyond what I could afford, not even considering that I would hate living on my own. I already felt like I lived on my own because I never saw my room mates. I still feel that way. I went outside with TJ to smoke, and I couldn't help by cry. He said he didn't want to do this, "put me out on the street", and I knew that. I told him I had no other options. I went inside, went to Brittany, and said "What do you need from me to still live together in the fall? Because I seriously have no other options." "Do your dishes and keep the living room clean." So I've been doing that, but things are getting more tense, it seems.
This whole situation adds to my feeling of not being wanted. I told TJ how I feel, and that I'm afraid that, in the fall, Brittany will still not hang out with anyone but TJ and lose all of her friends. I want to tell Brittany how I feel, but I don't know how. That's really the reason I'm writing this, to get out what I want to say but probably never will.
"Brittany, I feel really uncomfortable living here. That's why I rarely ever come home. I feel like I don't have a room mate. I know you have school work, but you need to have a life too. None of our friends can remember the last time you hung out with them. I don't want what happened with you and Christina to happen with you and everyone else. It also really bothers me that you insist on TJ being in your room whenever you are doing homework. I never get to spend time with either of you. I hardly even ever see you two. I think living apart this fall will be good for both of us, but I'm still afraid our friendship will fall apart. If you stay the way you are now, doing school work all the time and spending all your free time locked away with TJ, you won't have any friends left by the time you're done with school. I will always ask you to hang out, but I will not put in all the effort. I won't put in extra effort to spend time with you if you keep choosing your boyfriend over friends. I will always be your friend, unless you choose to let our friendship fall apart. I don't want that to happen. I'm not trying to be mean or a bitch, I'm just concerned. It's your decision how you live your life, but realize that people don't sit around and wait for you to make an effort to be a good friend."
About a month ago, Brittany and TJ came home and said we needed to talk. "I can't live with you in the fall if things stay the way they are now," is what she said. "I don't want our friendship to get ruined because of this." I completely understood her, and knew it was coming. I dreamed about it earlier that month and had already been looking into other options for the fall. But it still hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no real warning, and I was on my own. I went on Craigslist, and everything was beyond what I could afford, not even considering that I would hate living on my own. I already felt like I lived on my own because I never saw my room mates. I still feel that way. I went outside with TJ to smoke, and I couldn't help by cry. He said he didn't want to do this, "put me out on the street", and I knew that. I told him I had no other options. I went inside, went to Brittany, and said "What do you need from me to still live together in the fall? Because I seriously have no other options." "Do your dishes and keep the living room clean." So I've been doing that, but things are getting more tense, it seems.
This whole situation adds to my feeling of not being wanted. I told TJ how I feel, and that I'm afraid that, in the fall, Brittany will still not hang out with anyone but TJ and lose all of her friends. I want to tell Brittany how I feel, but I don't know how. That's really the reason I'm writing this, to get out what I want to say but probably never will.
"Brittany, I feel really uncomfortable living here. That's why I rarely ever come home. I feel like I don't have a room mate. I know you have school work, but you need to have a life too. None of our friends can remember the last time you hung out with them. I don't want what happened with you and Christina to happen with you and everyone else. It also really bothers me that you insist on TJ being in your room whenever you are doing homework. I never get to spend time with either of you. I hardly even ever see you two. I think living apart this fall will be good for both of us, but I'm still afraid our friendship will fall apart. If you stay the way you are now, doing school work all the time and spending all your free time locked away with TJ, you won't have any friends left by the time you're done with school. I will always ask you to hang out, but I will not put in all the effort. I won't put in extra effort to spend time with you if you keep choosing your boyfriend over friends. I will always be your friend, unless you choose to let our friendship fall apart. I don't want that to happen. I'm not trying to be mean or a bitch, I'm just concerned. It's your decision how you live your life, but realize that people don't sit around and wait for you to make an effort to be a good friend."
I've Been Searching for a Heart of Gold
This question has been haunting me for months now: Why am I so unwanted?
Whenever I express this, people tell me how wonderful I am and that anyone who can't see that is stupid. Then why do I keep getting rejected? Am I choosing to expend my efforts on people who aren't worth it, who don't see my value?
A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe rejection is a strong word for what I feel. I feel like everyone keeps me at a distance, that they only want me around when feel like it, when they want to be entertained. I am the back-up.
I know that my depression makes the situation seem worse than it really is. I know I have great friends who love and care about me, that my family is there for me no matter what, but there is still a hole that's dying to be filled.
I need someone to be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me when I'm sad, to go be stupid together. I feel like I've lost that in my life. When I try to find it, try to spend time with friends or pursue someone, I am shot down. Whenever it seems like things are going well and will turn around, it all drops out from under me. I call all my friends to hang out, but they're all too busy. I think I've found someone who could make me happy, but they don't feel the same way. I never knew before that girls could be put in the "friend zone", but I am the Queen of the Friend Zone. I know I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, but I want someone to love. I want someone to shower with all of the affection that I have. I want someone to make me smile as much as I make them smile. I want someone to laugh because they're happy to be with, not just because I'm funny.
I don't want to be second. I want to be first, to at least one person.
Whenever I express this, people tell me how wonderful I am and that anyone who can't see that is stupid. Then why do I keep getting rejected? Am I choosing to expend my efforts on people who aren't worth it, who don't see my value?
A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe rejection is a strong word for what I feel. I feel like everyone keeps me at a distance, that they only want me around when feel like it, when they want to be entertained. I am the back-up.
I know that my depression makes the situation seem worse than it really is. I know I have great friends who love and care about me, that my family is there for me no matter what, but there is still a hole that's dying to be filled.
I need someone to be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me when I'm sad, to go be stupid together. I feel like I've lost that in my life. When I try to find it, try to spend time with friends or pursue someone, I am shot down. Whenever it seems like things are going well and will turn around, it all drops out from under me. I call all my friends to hang out, but they're all too busy. I think I've found someone who could make me happy, but they don't feel the same way. I never knew before that girls could be put in the "friend zone", but I am the Queen of the Friend Zone. I know I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, but I want someone to love. I want someone to shower with all of the affection that I have. I want someone to make me smile as much as I make them smile. I want someone to laugh because they're happy to be with, not just because I'm funny.
I don't want to be second. I want to be first, to at least one person.
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