This question has been haunting me for months now: Why am I so unwanted?
Whenever I express this, people tell me how wonderful I am and that anyone who can't see that is stupid. Then why do I keep getting rejected? Am I choosing to expend my efforts on people who aren't worth it, who don't see my value?
A person can only take so much rejection. Maybe rejection is a strong word for what I feel. I feel like everyone keeps me at a distance, that they only want me around when feel like it, when they want to be entertained. I am the back-up.
I know that my depression makes the situation seem worse than it really is. I know I have great friends who love and care about me, that my family is there for me no matter what, but there is still a hole that's dying to be filled.
I need someone to be there for me, to listen to me, to hold me when I'm sad, to go be stupid together. I feel like I've lost that in my life. When I try to find it, try to spend time with friends or pursue someone, I am shot down. Whenever it seems like things are going well and will turn around, it all drops out from under me. I call all my friends to hang out, but they're all too busy. I think I've found someone who could make me happy, but they don't feel the same way. I never knew before that girls could be put in the "friend zone", but I am the Queen of the Friend Zone. I know I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, but I want someone to love. I want someone to shower with all of the affection that I have. I want someone to make me smile as much as I make them smile. I want someone to laugh because they're happy to be with, not just because I'm funny.
I don't want to be second. I want to be first, to at least one person.
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